God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, [S]He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
1 How did you find out about your diety? Check all that apply.
Book of Mormon
Divine Inspiration
Dead Sea Scrolls
My Mama Done Tol' Me
Near Death Experience
Near Life Experience
National Public Radio
Burning Shrubbery
Other: please specify below

2 Which model deity did you acquire? Check all that apply.
Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trintity Pak]
Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
Other - specify below

3 Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
Yes    No
If the previous answer was No please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Check all that apply.
Not eternal
Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
Not omniscient
Not omnipotent
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes
Looks after life other than that on earth
Makes/permits bad things to happen to good people
Makes/permits good things to happen to bad people
When beseeched doesn't stay beseeched
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices
Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
Use the text box below if your deity arrived with other flaws that could not be adequately described above.
4 What factors were relevant in your decision to aquire a deity? Check all that apply
Indoctrinated by parents
Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society
Needed focus in whom to despise
Needed focus in whom to love
Imaginary friend grew up
Hate to think for myself
Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
Fear of death
Wanted to displease parents
Wanted to please parents
Needed a day away from school or work
Desparate need for certainty
Like organ music
Needed to feel morally superior
Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
Other factor(s) not already mentioned:

5 Have you ever worshipped a diety before? If so, which false god(s) were you fooled by? Check all that apply
Almighty dollar
Left Wing Liberalism
The Radical Right
Amon Ra
Bill Gates
Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur
The Great Spirit
The Great Pumpkin
The sun
The moon
The Force
Cindy Crawford
The Internet
A burning shrub
Other false god(s) not already mentioned:

6 Are you currently using any other types of inspiration in addition to God? Check all that apply.
Fortune Cookies
Ann Landers
Psychic Friends Network
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Self-help books
Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
Barney T. B. P. D.
Bill Clinton
Tea Leaves
Jerry Falwell
Human sacrifice
Wandering around in a desert
Insurance Policies
Burning Shrubbery
Green Tea
Other - list below.

7 God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
More Divine Intervention
Less Divine Intervention
Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
Don't know
What's Divine Intervention

8 God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 your opinion of the following ( 1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent)
1 2 3 4 5 Disaster 1 2 3 4 5 Miracle
Flood Rescues
Famine Spontaneous remissions
Earthquakes Crying statues
War & Holocausts Water changing to wine
Pestilence Walking on water
Plague Coincidence of any sort
Spam Getting any sex whatsoever
AOLers Stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets

9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the selected names and addresses of His followers and devotees to reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offers?
Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul
No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money

9 Enter any other comments you feel God needs to hear.

Thank you for taking the time to complete this questionaire.


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